Mediocrity, Breastfeeding, and Why I'm a Mean Girl

Big and Beautiful?  Or, Unhealthy and Miserable?

Sucking at life is not fun.  Being fat and unhealthy is not fun.  Ignorance?  That's not fun either.  So, I ask you, why does everyone suck so much?  And why, oh why, is everyone so damned okay with it?

The self esteem movement, this idea that we should love ourselves despite our flaws, has morphed; it has grown and changed before our very eyes into something perverse (not to mention frightening).  Now, it is perfectly acceptable, preferred even, to love oneself because of ones flaws.  Failing grade?  That's okay, as long as you tried!  Fat?  NO! I'm not fat, I'm curvy and proud of it!  Their, there, or they're?  Does it really matter?  

Mediocrity for everyone! Yay!

Religion and Politics... but no Sports - Part One: Religion

I normally don't talk about the Big Three.  In fact, I avoid them at all cost.  My bartending background has given me special insight into the perils of broaching these subjects.  Nothing brews more passion than religion, politics, and sports mixed with a bit of liquor, NOTHING.  I have seen fists fly and friendships broken over baseball games, Santa Claus, and abortion.  I'm here to tell you it's not pretty.  It's also completely unnecessary. Let me break it down for you; Mrs. Monster's views on the Big Three:

Did this actually happen?  Does it really matter?

Faux-gurt Covered Blueberries

My first recipe post!  I wouldn't be so excited if it didn't feel like such a huge accomplishment.  I am notorious for making food stuffs up on the fly without any rhyme or reason (or repeatability).  My friends eat my food and then spend the remainder of their time on this Earth begging me to give them a recipe.  They don't really like it when I tell them to just throw a little of this and a little of that in a pan.  I am bound and determined to keep better track of what I cook and how I cook it... and then share it with the world.

Okay, on to the recipe!  I have seen this all over Pinterest lately; yogurt covered blueberries.  Man, oh man, they look wonderfully delicious.  But, they are made with yogurt.  In a past life... actually, just a few months ago... I would have been all over that like white on... well, yogurt.  Alas, I can no longer consume dairy products (more on that later).  So, I decided to Paleo-ize that shit.  This is what I came up with.

Proteins, Fats, Carbohydrates, and Veggies

I need to get this off my chest: FRUITS AND VEGETABLES ARE CARBOHYDRATES!  

Whew!  I feel better already.  Seriously, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, there are only three macronutrients.  Three.  They are proteins, fats, and carbohydrates.  Done.  Everything else is a food group.

To clarify, there are two distinctly separate ways to classify foods; by it's macronutrient content or by it's origins.  Mixing the two makes you look stupid, so stop it (I'm talking to you, "diet experts").  Saying you should eat "fruits, vegetables, and carbohydrates" is like me saying that you should wear "pants, shirts, and clothes"; it's utter nonsense.

Most of the time, I immediately stop reading the moment I see that an author has confused this point.  You should too.  Ignorance of basic concepts is not, in my experience, the mark of an "expert".  But, hey, what do I know?

While I'm ranting, I'd like to take a quick moment to talk about what it means when something is a "processed food".  A processed food is anything that is not in it's most basic form.  Anything that's been blended, crushed, cooked, milled, extracted, etc. is a processed food.  So, yes, your whole grain bread is a processed food.  That pasteurized milk is processed.  Rice?  That's processed as well.  Processing isn't bad per say... it all depends on the what and the how.  Generally speaking, though, less is more.  As a rule, if I can't eat it as it comes, raw off the plant or the animal, I try not to eat it at all.  That doesn't mean I will eat it raw, it just means I could if I wanted to.

I feel better now.  Thanks for listening.

My CrossFit Pregnancy

I decided that I had better write a post about my exercise during pregnancy before the hindsight goggles get too thick.  Twenty years from now, I will no doubt be telling stories about how I won an IronMan at 36 weeks gestation.

Let me start with a disclaimer:  Don't be an idiot.  Let me repeat that in case you didn't get it the first time, don't be an idiot...

"Lynne" at 7 Months Pregnant

This is MY story about MY pregnancy and MY opinions about exercise during pregnancy in general.  It is based on MY experience.  If you are 40 and pregnant with your first child with gestational diabetes and cervical incompetency, please don't attempt Fight Gone Bad; some light yoga or a walk in the park is probably more your speed.  If, on the other hand, you are a twenty-something, athletic individual who can't bear the thought of sitting still for the next nine months, I hope you find some inspiration or perhaps a sense of camaraderie in my story.

A Baby, a Backpack, and a Big Island

Okay, so not THE Big Island… but that's not really the point.  The Monster Family is going on vacation!  And, of course, we can't vacation like everyone else does.  That would be boring… and expensive.  We don't do expensive unless it's Lululemon.  

Here's the plan:  we are taking a military hop to Oahu with just ourselves, the little monster, and a backpack.  Yep, that's it.  And, did I mention, we plan to stay for an entire month?  That's right, one whole month of sand and salt water and SUN.

Twenty-Four Hours on the EC Train

"Don't you knock?!?"

EC?  Huh?  What’s that, you ask?  EC stands for Elimination Communication, aka, infant potty training, aka, hippie-parenting non-sense (or so I thought).  Yes, yes, I know, I  am a non-sensical hippie-parent, but you see, I thought EC was taking it a little too far.  It sounded great in theory.  It resonated with my basic evolutionary perspective on life.  I just didn’t think it would actually work well enough to be worth the effort.  Plus, I think cloth-diaper butts are just too darned cute.

What changed my mind?  Our trusty cloth diapers gave the Little Monster some gnarly heat rash.  We decided to give her some diaper free time to help it clear up.  I had read a little about EC while I was pregnant and put it on my “that might be nice to try” list.  Well,  this case of heat rash got me thinking more seriously about it.